As the curtains moved, the moonlight fell on my face. Because of the sudden flickering, I was woken up by a terrible nightmare. There I was, sitting on my bed, a white sheet over my lap and I was sweating as if I were the sauna stove itself. I entered the bathroom in a slow pace and washed my face. As I looked at the mirror a series of memories crossed my mind.
Her blond curled hair was on my chest. Both of us were lying on the grass. She was asleep and her head moved as I breathed in and out. I was getting hypnotized by the movement, up and down. Up and down. It was so peaceful to watch her sleep. All around us was silent and calm. I turned my eyes away from her and up to the trees surrounding us. They were huge, with long strong branches and a beautiful fresh crown. Some sun rays penetrated through the waste of green and brought with it, a fulfilling feeling. It was like nothing could harm us.
The memory broke. I was getting dizzy. I let myself down beside the sink. The back against the wall. I let my head fall between my knees and started to sob. The sob was soon interrupted by another everlasting painful memory.
I went into our room with a tray, there were two glasses of orange juice and some toast with honey. On the side of the tray, beside the breakfast that I was proudly prepared by myself, there was a red rose I which I had taken from the garden that morning. There was also a napkin where you could read in a clear handwriting "I love you". I put the tray down on the end of the bed and sat beside her. I went forward and kissed her forehead. She moved a little bit. She slowly opened her shiny green eyes, blinked twice and smiled. We kissed.
While Summer ate the meal which I had prepared thoughtfully, I silently walked over to my little princess. Softly I pulled the curtains which swung above her bed and found what I looked forward to see so desperately. Julia greeted me with her green eyes, a wide smile and little fingers moving, looking for something to grab on.
She made my day! It was surprising how much joy and peace could be found in one smile, one second of an eye-contact and a little hand around only of one's fingers, she hold my finger tight, as if she didn't want me to leave. Never. She was so small and fragile! I took my daughter in my arms and carried her over to my bed. Summer held her in her arms and gave her Julia's breakfast: warm milk in her favorite bottle.
I started to remember all those precious moments I had with them in that room. It was comforting. Almost welcoming... I can still recall every inch of that room. Even how it was illuminated depending on daytime or whether it was summer or winter, autumn or spring. It didn't matter, that room was harmony.
That room used to be my home, my resort. Every inch of that room was painted in white. Of course there was some furniture, and they were all made of the finest wood. I suppose those were the only few items that weren't white in my refuge.
But now that room didn't mean anything else but loneliness and loss to me. So I tried to wake up from the memory again. I shook my head and along with it the thought of having her in my arms again. I remembered how lonely, sad and empty that room looked when I saw it for the very last time. Her smile was no longer around to give hope a new birth.
It was too late, it was disturbing and useless to think about it. The room looked haunted by its brightness and lack of color. What I had selected so carefully and had loves so intensively... Now I hated it!
Next thing that happened to me: I missed something, I missed it so deep in my heart, that it hurts. I thank God for providing me that moment of pain, and with it sparing me the memory of my family for a while. After some moments of standing still, I realized what was missing... AIR! My lungs were empty! I tumbled forward. Here! There was a much larger amount of fresh air. I looked around, it looked much brighter too.
The environment changed, I was no longer in my room. I was now somewhere where fresh breeze surrounded me and moved my brown hair just when the moonlight was shining on my slim pale face. It should have been obvious to me that I was on the balcony. I stood there for some moments, I didn't move, at all. It felt as if I had been paralyzed and my frozen state would never end. But then I felt my muscles relaxing and the oxygen slowly filling my lungs again... The stab I thought was given on my stomach started to vanish. I took a step backwards and remained there, with my back against the wall. I needed to lean against something, I was afraid of tumbling, and falling over the balcony couldn't end better than badly injured.
I didn't even remember having had a second thought about my next action. And if I'm reasonable to myself, I didn't even have a first thought.
The smell from the sea came into my nostrils and caused me nausea. I took a step backwards, two forwards and felt the wind blowing in my hair and a scream whispering into my ear just before I broke the surface of the warm ocean.
